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Aban (abandonment issues - engulfing - pursuing)   vs  Engul ( Engulfment issues - avoiding - distancing) - dance cycle

 

In a relationship like this, each partner describes themselves as controlled by the other. However, what one is experiencing as "control" is almost totally opposite what the other is experiencing.  One of them is focused on trying to prevent their partner from abandoning them. Let's call that partner "Aban”.  The opposite partner whose control issues are about trying to avoid being smothered or engulfed we will call "Engul".

Typically when Aban experiences  a sense of being abandoned or alone he or she panics and starts working overtime to force Engul to come closer.  As a result, Engul with strong engulfment issues becomes agitated about being over-controlled by Aban.  Engul will feel he or she is losing  individual identity. The more Aban tries to keep Engul close to them, the more Engul will feel  smothered or controlled by Aban. This increases the chance that Engul will naturally try to spend even less time with Aban in order to maintain his or her (Engul's) sense of identity.

Since they do not like being controlled themselves an Engul partner trying to protect their individuality may have a fear that they will appear as "too controlling"  So they tend to avoid methods of control like manipulation that they regard as "dishonest". An Aban partner on the other hand may be inclined to use almost any technique including manipulation to try to force Engul to come closer.

 

Partner Engul - avoider and distancer selves - fear of engulfment

The ‘inner selves’ that encourage Engul to stay out of intimacy developed from early experiences of being engulfed by control or smothered with over-protection. In fact when they are feeling engulfed, people like Engul may feel a form of terror, similar to that of being physically smothered and need to create physical distance to reduce the fear.  People like Engul are usually the product of a family where mother or father or both were either over controlling, or too close and too clingy. That is why Engul developed inner selves that avoid and resist closeness and intimacy and are also capable of blocking control by Aban.

But distancing, avoiding and resisting control is what is going to trigger Aban's childhood fear of being too alone (abandonment issues) and insecurity about lack of permanency in the relationship (powerless and not good enough issues). The result is a toxic cycle of abandonment and engulfment that goes nowhere.

 

Partner Aban - pursuing, clinging or engulfing inner selves

Partner Aban's inner selves are often attracted to people like Engul yet they are the very people have a fear of intimacy and who are triggered into distancing by pursuing behaviour.   Partner Aban has constant fears about being abandoned by partner Engul. To help reduce this, Aban has selves that pursue Engul to try to get closer and press him or her for more intimacy. They also try to control partner Engul, in the belief that the more Engul is under Aban's domination the less Aban will feel alone or afraid of being abandoned.

However, control and pressure is just what triggers Engul's childhood fears about being too close (engulfment and enmeshment issues) and about being too controlled (safety and security issues). Naturally this causes Engul to back away or try to escape the relationship. That is the very reaction that panics Aban who becomes even more needy, clingy, engulfing and smothering.

 

The flip side

The cycle is broken from time to time when Engul suddenly notices that Aban has finally given up, has flipped into temporary avoidance (emotional anorexia) to escape the pain and is no longer around.  Typically Engul in a case like this, then temporarily experiences the pain of abandonment and fearing losing Aban permanently, makes extravagant promises and apologies to get Aban to come back.

Engul may even get into a little temporary engulfing. (emotional bulimia) However this is short lived because Aban is so happy to learn that Engul ‘really loves me at last’ that they move into even stronger engulfment and totally enmesh Engul even more than previously to make sure he or she never escapes again.

Sadly, it is at that point the whole cycle begins all over again until both partners learn that it’s never wise to leave it up to the inner selves to fix relationship problems like these.

Dynamiting the Bridge

Another thing that Engul often does about this time is described as “Dynamiting the Bridge”. Engul will do or say something so absolutely immoral, reprehensible, unkind, or unjustifiable that it will cause Aban to draw back in pain, horror disgust or all three. At this point Aban may also get angry, with some justification. However Aban’s anger gives Engul another reason to pull further away or even leave the relationship, blaming Aban on the way out. Engul not only set the dynamite under the emotional bridge but then managed to get Aban to light the fuse and take the responsibility for the damage!

You can just imagine what happens if the Inner Matriarchs and patriarchs join in to share the drama.

When the partners separate, a ‘love addicted’ partner like Aban may experience actual withdrawal symptoms related to the loss of Engul whose presence was actually like a pain-killing ‘medication’. These symptoms are often remarkably similar to, or worse than, withdrawal symptoms of people going ‘cold turkey’ off heroin! The more vulnerability around any of these areas, the more likely a polarised inner self will come in to try to help. As polarised selves do, each self will suggest widely different solutions. If the same person is struggling with both abandonment and engulfment issues she or he may end up with as many as four different selves pulling in different directions.

The inner Matriarchs and Patriarchs belonging to the both partners get in on the act, reacting in turn as they are triggered by the changing polarity of the situation. It’s not a pretty sight.

 

 

 

Fear of abandonment (engulfing - pursuing)   vs  Fear of Engulfment - (avoiding - distancing) - the dance cycle

 

This repetitive pattern is often described as a kind of dance, a dysfunctional cycle along the lines explained in the examples below.